I went through something when I was nine years old. There was a police investigation, but one day it was over and never spoken of again, but it wasn't over for me. I continued to live with the lasting effects of the experience. My parents did what they thought was best, but in reality, at nine, I had to figure out what trust and safety looked like for me now. I had to reconstruct my existence in the world on my own.  

Of course, I wasn't consciously thinking about this. The reconstruction happened on a subconscious level. The way I showed up in the world from then on was all in direct response to the trauma I went through at nine. 

I used to think the trauma didn't affect me. In fact, at my first therapy session, my therapist asked me if I'd had any past trauma, so I mentioned what happened almost like an afterthought. She added a note to her pad stating that it is most definitely worth mentioning. As I began to talk about my life, background, an additional traumatic experience in my teen years, and my subsequent behavior as an adolescent, my therapist instantly made connections to what happened when I was nine to my behavior as a teen (and as an adult). I remember immediately feeling a very visceral push back inside my body. It was like my body refused to believe I was damaged. Nope! My experience did NOT affect me. After all, I had turned out ok, my life was good! I refused to see any connections between my past and present.  

However, over the next few months, I would learn just how much my experience shaped me and how I showed up in the world was/is directly connected to my nine-year-old self. Everything from feeling like my voice doesn't matter to feeling self-doubt, and hypervigilant behavior was linked to my past. I learned that much of what I did was to protect myself from feeling vulnerable and unsafe. I came to understand why I strive for perfectionism in the things I can control and how that makes me feel safe because, in reality, someone had taken my feelings of safety at nine. So it was up to me to create my own security. 

Now I no longer fight against the idea that my trauma shaped me; instead, I embrace it. It is a part of my story. My work in therapy has helped me understand the idiosyncrasies that are linked to my trauma and the way I reconstructed my life and existence at the age of nine. 

And to clarify, not all the characteristics are bad per se, but some have hindered me in a few ways. However, I am working on recognizing the not-so-great characteristics when they manifest to understand their roots and strive to work through them to do better and be better. 

It has been liberating to understand all this and take steps to heal, give myself grace, and love myself.