Finding a Silver Lining

Recently, I've been thinking about writing about my life more, and even though it's been a while, what better place than to post my musing on my OG blog. Life has thrown me a few curveballs since I last posted here. Here's the tea:

Life was on a roll when I returned to teaching after being home for a year. The 2018-2019 school year couldn't have gone any better, but life was about to throw me some major blows. I don't think anything could have prepared me for what was coming. 

In the winter of 2019, my mom was diagnosed with stomach cancer. While she had undergone the initially prescribed six chemo treatments, in the spring of 2019, she decided to stop despite doctors' recommending adding some additional treatments. 

At that time, despite her family's reservations, she promised to use holistic methods to continue on the path of fighting her cancer. 

In July 2019, my family went to Texas. The trip was a few months since my mom stopped chemo. It was then that both Nathan and I realized something was wrong with her. Firstly, her balance was off. She'd stumble down the stairs or trip over her own feet, and one night when we went to dinner at Texas Roadhouse, she had to quickly leave because she grew sick. She spent the rest of the night throwing up and didn't even come out to say goodbye to us when we had to leave the following day. 

The biggest red flag was when she shared that her cancer numbers (I forget the medical term for this) had practically quadrupled since she stopped chemo. I couldn't believe how calmly she mentioned it. I asked her what she plans to do about it, to which she replied, "Just keep living." I didn't know how to reply, so I immediately texted all my siblings and told them of my concerns. 

It wasn't long before we all started asking my mom hard questions, pleading with her to see a doctor, but it had grown too late. By the time she agreed to see a doctor, it had spread all over her body, including her brain. 

I would return to Texas in early August with all my siblings so my mom could be with her seven children one last time. She passed away on August 23, 2019. 

To say the least, the 2019-2020 school year did not start on a high note. I missed two weeks of school for my mom's funeral and bereavement. When I returned to teaching, I did what I always did, I armored up. I wasn't going to allow my fear, pain, and sadness make me vulnerable.

Then November 14, 2019, happened. I was sitting in my classroom with my first-period seniors when a boy busted through my door frantically shouting that there was a shooter. The moments that followed were the most terrifying and unimaginable moments of my life. If my mom's death didn't already break me, this tore me wide open. 

The subsequent events of my mom passing away, followed by the November 14 shooting, broke me. Even though I kept trying to put on a brave face, to show up, and be there for my students, my family, and for myself, I couldn't do it for long. February 2020, I decided to step away from teaching and go on workers comp leave. This decision tormented me. I felt like I was letting everyone down. It was only supposed to be temporary, and I thought I would return to see my students again. Then a global pandemic hit, preventing me from getting back on campus to complete the healing process. 

But the silver lining in this all is that all these tragic events served as the catalyst that connected with the most amazing therapist. 

Over the last year and a half, my work in therapy has led me to understand myself in ways I would have never been able to before. I have been able to work through everything from childhood trauma to my faith crisis/transition, my mom's passing, the shooting, marital matters, deep soul work, and much more. 

I want to blog about my struggles and triumphs, what I have learned, and what I am currently working through as I continue through therapy. My hope is for this blog to become an extension of the work I am doing.